What a DIFFERENCE a Year Makes!

I have been thinking back over the past year as we often do on New Year's Eve. Caragan has been home a year now and I could tell that she enjoyed her Christmas very much. My Dad ask her while celebrating Christmas at our house....what did she think last year during Christmas get together's? She told him she thought we were all so crazy to give so many presents, but she really, really liked it. Seeing her expressions truly warmed my heart this Christmas. The simplest of gifts truly made her overwhelmed with joy. ...a cover for her Ipod, a Pogo stick she didn't even ask for, a new bright yellow pocketbook....and last but not least a ring (as the ultimate surprise). She asked me about a week before Christmas what she was getting. I told her I couldn't tell her, and that it was a surprise. Our conversation quickly drifted to her surprise this summer when she got a new puppy that she still adores named Jackson (Jack-Jack). That puppy is her baby. She thought she was getting another dog...this time a poodle. I told her NO, no more puppies. Silly girl. She was beside herself waiting in eager anticipation of this special surprise gift that 'Santa" would bring for her. The surprise was the ring.. from the Open Heart collection. The idea behind this line of jewelry is to always keep an open heart so that love can flow freely in and out of you. She picked it out and still was none the wiser that that was what her 'special' surprise was that she was getting. You should have seen her expression Christmas morning when she discovered her surprise was the ring. It was PRICELESS....almost as priceless as the day when she got the puppy. Wow!! Those are magical moments that are irreplaceable. This child is amazing. She makes my heart soar, when I think of all she has now and all she went without for years. We take so many things forgranted that we have the pleasure of enjoying every single day. You can tell she relished every gift from money to the Ipod cover and we captured much of it in photos. Last Christmas I think was a bit overwhelming...this Christmas she didn't even want me to take the tree down. And to think I was Bah Hum Buggin and didn't even want to put it up. I learn new and exciting things everyday watching all my kids...but the most precious gifts I didn't get from under a Christmas tree this year. I got to watch Christmas through all four of my kids, and what a true gift that was to be a part of...and to treasure.

KateLin must have pick all her items up twice and looked through her things with great care. Of course she wanted every item opened immediately. I watched her prance around in her pajamas with her new dress up...HIGH HEELS. She had to shake her booty as she tried them all out. I suppose if they aren't dancing shoes they don't pass the test. She was hilarious of course...just like always. She enjoyed learning to YoYo with Caragan and Christian, managing to make it work a few times. She got several things to draw with this Christmas and those were her favorite. She loves to color and draw.

Logan got a Tarheel blanket, some new tennis shoes and some games for his DSi. He also got a Pogo Stick to share with his sister. He was hilarious trying to master the art of po...going. LOL. He kept saying....I can Po...Moma....and I can Go....I just CAN'T POGO! He is so craZy. I love that kid so much. He makes me laugh so much everyday. You never know what crazy thing he will say next. He placed 3rd in the Spelling Bee at his school. I was so proud of him. He misspelled CHIMICHANGA! He and his Uncle Jason decided that it was easier just to spell it T....A....C....O!! Too funny. So now if you asked him how to spell Chimichanga he will tell you TACO. And if you asked him how to spell Taco....he has no problem spelling Chimichanga. Still...to come in third for the whole school was a great feat. He did GREAT!. He is almost done reading all 15 Nominee books for the SC Book Awards Nominee List. This kid is a Phenomenal READER. Gotta love that he loves to read and learn so much. He has a great sense of humor to boot. He and Caragan have really taken off bonding more over the last two months. They pick at one another often. I think going to the same school and interacting more there has made a big difference in them truly bonding as siblings. Logan really hasn't skipped a beat as far as being trumped out of the Oldest slot. I think he enjoys the 'less pressure' of being a MIDDLE kid. His sister will cook him muffins...and he definitely loves that. HA! They have alot of fun, because they are both pretty crazy, silly. It's so much fun to watch them.

Christian got a RipStick for Christmas as his surprise. It is basically a skateboard with two wheels and a bar that connects two platforms for your feet to move back and forth so that you don't have to push at all. It will take some practice to master, but I think once he does, he will love it. He also enjoyed his Yoyo's and Wii game/DSiXL games, and a Spy Cam Helicopter. He was up at midnight...the only one of the four. Santa had just left, wink-wink. He went back to bed for about an hour and then got up to come get in the bed with me Christmas morning. He never does that anymore, but of course I enjoyed the snuggle time with my little heater. It was a treat for me, I didn't complain at all. He loves his sister's dearly, brother too. He never skips a beat in lavishing his sister's with love and affections (sooo my child...ha). He doesn't argue as much with KateLin lately and can be found giving her shoulder rides from time to time. Being a big brother to him comes naturally.

The big surprise that they all got was a new trampoline, as the old one's mat was tearing up where the springs attach. They had to follow a fishing line out of the great room through the dining room, utility room and garage to get outside to their BIG SURPRISE. We knew they would love this gift, cause they had literally worn the other one out. It was fun seeing their faces, because they had no IDEA what was to come. Working for a Christmas gift builds memories to say the least. They won't soon forget that little adventure.

Last year was hurried and overwhelming getting used to our new 'baby' in the house...stumbling over language barriers, strange new surroundings, getting over jetlag and new routines, even adjusting to a new diet for her. All these hard things, like labor pains, have slowly faded away from our short term memories. We have come far, she has come even further. God sure knew what he was doing...planting this seed in our lives. She was meant to be our's, surely as if she had been born to us. She fits right into our family, and no one that meets her can resist her bubbly charm. She is fun and inviting and so CRAZY. I guess she has to be a lil Crazy to fit in with this bunch. What a difference a year truly does make....and she says to her it went by FAST.

Did She Love Me?

I often think about my girl's Birth Parents. I cherish them for the gift they have given to me. My girl's stories are so very different, in that Caragan knew her parents and they are deceased, however KateLin has so many pieces to her life puzzle that she will never fully know. I have never revealed the details because these are her private notes of her life while still in China. I will say that she resided at the orphanage from birth and that she was left to be found. I don't like the term abandoned because it implies that her birth parents didn't want her to be found. In my mind after carrying two full term babies for 10 months in my own womb...that is just impossible for me to fathom. I think any woman that carries a baby inside of her, feeling them kick and hiccup and grow...would have to love the little miracle. After all, they also made the choice to give the child life, while they could have aborted the pregnancy. I am thankful that KateLin's Mom chose to give her life and loved her enough to give birth to her. In years to come I am sure she will asked me this question: Did my Birth Mom love me? I will tell her that I can say without a doubt that she must've because she chose to give her life. She chose to give her up when she couldn't care for her, she loved her enough to leave her so she would be found. I will tell that I can't imagine anyone not loving her. I will tell that I don't know why she had to give her up and I will help her ponder all the possible realities. That maybe she couldn't afford to care for her medical needs, that maybe she already had a child, be it boy or girl. I will help her deal with the fact that she might have been given up just because she was a girl. I won't sugar coat all the hard stuff. I will be here to love her through it all. I will give her comfort when the reality is harsh, I will wipe the tears for the parents she may never know, I will mourn the loss that her parents surely must feel. I will help her focus on all that she does have instead of all the stuff she doesn't have. Most of all I will remind her that she has family here that loves her regardless of her beginnings, that loved her enough to come all the way to China to bring her home. Family that prayed for her countless nights until we could be together forever. Somehow, I just know that wrapping her up in this Moma's love will make it all better. Whatever, I can't help with...she has a cousin and an Aunt that understands it all better than me and will help fill in the gaps. Love conquers many hurts!...it leaps fences and climbs mountains and will heal the heart of a girl that has lost and has found.

What's IN a BIRTH...Day!

Stop and think about all your birthdays past...chances are they were filled with parties, presents, family, friends and just fun times. Birth...days were always really special days in my family. Every single year without fail my Mom stops everything to call and sing Happy Birthday to me. Even if I was off at college or away on business in Texas...she still called. My Senior Prom was my 18th birthday....my mom sent a cake so I could have an extra special celebration with my friends that night.

Now think about if you had never had a birthday party, ever....! And had never celebrated each year of your life as you grew older. China doesn't celebrate birthdays like we do. The culture is different in that they celebrate Chinese New Year each year and automatically run their age ahead a year. They make a big deal out of the 61st birthday for age and wisdom. Caragan will have her first birthday party tomorrow. You read that right...It will be her first birthday party. She is excited!! to make an understatement. She has been counting down the days until her special day. Now she's counting down the hours. I love her enthusiasm over what we take forgranted. I hope she has a big turn out with people that will love to see her blossom into a wonderful young lady. Tomorrow I get the priviledge of watching her amazement as she's made to feel special, getting lavished with presents, and adorations. Everyone deserves this kind of birthday each and every year. She is embracing her new cultural traditions as we learn about China. I won't say our traditions are better here in America, but I'm excited that she has a newness that she really likes in her life.

Caragan will have her 1st birthday with us tomorrow and I can't wait to experience it with her. I hope she dances and laughs and has at least 80 more with us in the years to come. May this be the first of many, many happy birthdays for her.

Sweet November

November is a really cool month for our family. KateLin's Gotcha Day Anniversary is coming up soon. She will be home for 3 years. Wow!! Time does fly when you are busy, and having so much fun. Interesting that her Adoption Day and Caragan's birthday are the same day. Crazy, but our original Log in Date for China has still not been matched with referrals, now 4 years later. Our LID was October 10, 2006 for a healthy baby girl 0-18 months. If we hadn't decided to switch to the Special Needs list, we still wouldn't have a referral. Instead we've been to China and back twice....but our choices didn't come without lots of heartache. Before we received our referral for KateLin, I got an email in my inbox from Madison Adoption Associates. They had a list of children, one child they called Katie. We pursued her for adoption but because we were already logged in with America World for China...we were unable to adopt her. It was as though we were experiencing a miscarriage because we had wrapped our hearts and minds around this beautiful little girl we had only seen in photos. She had a cleft palate unrepaired and a cleft lip that had been repaired. We had prayed for her and made plans, fixed her nursery thinking our time would be short to travel to go get her. Instead the China Center of Adoption Affairs denied our request to change agencies and our request to adopt her. I was devastated...but there was a ray of light in the darkness. We later felt like we were meant to adopt through Madison Adoption Associates. This is the agency that we used to adopt Caragan. Diana Bramble was such a strong advocate for us and really pressed the CCAA to consider us for adopting Katie. We were really impressed with how she reached out to us and tried so hard to get them to let us change agencies. In the end, we decided to halt the pursuit in fear that Katie would miss out on the family she was intended for due to our endeavors. Lil Katie's story has a happy ending just like our's though....she lives in California with her 4 siblings, two of which are also from China. Her parents named her Kellie. Diana is now a very close friend and I miss our chats. We hope to meet her in person in a few weeks and I can't wait for her to meet KateLin and Caragan in person and to see just how perfect these girls are for our family. She was an amazing part of that journey and we'll always be grateful that she is such a strong advocate for the Orphans of China and around the world. I can't wait to hug her and express our thanks in person for all she's done for us over the last 4 years. It was also Diana that named Caragan, Hope on the agency's list. Her being named Hope was the reason we were drawn to her, otherwise we would have never considered adopting an older child, out of birth order. All the little details have woven our lives together in an amazing journey of faith, hope and especially love.

As we celebrate 3 years with KateLin and Caragan's birthday, meet Diana and even some more of our girl's orphanage sisters, this November will likely be one for our memory books. Caragan will hopefully get to see Lu Xinhua, Lauren...from Tianjin that just came home to Connecticutt a few months ago. She hasn't seen her since December 9th of last year, when we visited Caragan's orphanage in Tianjin. They talk on the phone often and chat on QQ regularly. KateLin will get to see LilyRose and hopefully Georgia. Georgia is the little girl that followed Lance around at the Yangzhou orphanage where KateLin was from. He soo wanted to bring her home with us too. Little did we know that God was planting another seed for adoption in our hearts. She came home to Maryland several months after we came home with KateLin. All of our lives have been woven together by the Miracle of Adoption. We have met so many wonderful families and friends through our journeys. We wouldn't trade these experiences for anything.

I feel like I blog about the girls all the time and don't mention my crazy boys enough. When it comes to adoption they clearly have hearts for the Miracle as well. I remember night after night at bedtime them praying for their sisters, first KateLin then Caragan while we waited. They would pray for their safety and health and that the process would go quickly. I can't discredit what all they've learned through this process. Many might think that they have sacrificed...but I would have to argue that my kids, each and everyone have alot more than most when it comes to material things. What adoption has taught them though is that you can open your heart up and gain so much more than anything of this world. I watch Logan ride KateLin around on his shoulders and it brings tears to my eyes. He seems to look out for her more, whereas Christian loves on Caragan more. Plus, it's a far better thing to give than recieve anyday. I can assure you they all have everything they need and most of what they want. Plus they got to experience China firsthand and they wouldn't have gotten that otherwise. For once you've seen the moon from the other side of the world your life will be changed forever.

This November will be SWEET indeed!!

In that Moment

Life takes many twists and turns. Sometimes when you start out on a journey you have to wonder what in the world God is up to. Why would he send me to China twice, have me adopt the second time out of birth order, older child adoption...and stretch my heart, mind and soul beyond what I could ever fathom? I think if we could get a glimpse of how the ending or middle sometimes would turn out, it would help us deal with the questions from the beginning. Clearly, I never dreamed I'd have four kids, let alone two would be from China. Now that I'm here, I know that it was God's perfect plan for me to be a Mother four times. I'm glad I was obedient to his calling regardless of how hard it has been to get me to this place. Wow!! Those words have not been easy to come by!!

You worry and stress and love and bond and just keep keeping on...and then in a single moment...your have an epiphany. The light bulb goes on and you realize that God chose her for this specific purpose. He chose her for our family. There she was in Praise and Worship yesterday with her hands held high...without being prompted...by her own choice. I had the opportunity to explain to her why I believed in God this past week. Her Aunt Carrie was planning on taking her to Judgement House and I wanted her to hear the details about salvation from me, in terms I knew she would understand, as we are still only 10 months into her learning English. Her birth parents were Atheists, by her own admission. I stressed to her that she would attend church while she lived with us, but we would never force her to believe in God, it was her choice and between her and God. I was adamant about that. Judgement House made an impact on her and I'm thankful that Carrie wanted to take her for a girl's nite out so they could go together. With her hands raised in worship and as she was singing her heart out...I began to cry like a baby watching my baby girl...love God. I'm thankful for all the hard moments that lead us to her, and I'm soo glad that I didn't miss out on this very special young lady in my life. My life has been changed forever because I've had the opportunity to love her. Really, the miracle of adoption isn't always easy, but it is soooo worth it. I'm also thankful that I get the opportunity to see God's Sovereignty...because His plan is unfolding before my eyes.

We joke with KateLin about hiding from us in China. We ask her why she hide so far from us...and made us search and come soo far to get her? She knows we are joking and she is always has a smile on her face...as we tell her, she could have been on the moon and we'd have still came after her. Still I marvel at, she was designed for this specific purpose and God, with all his sovereignty, planned it specifically for us. He knew the power of two adoptions would become four and four would become six. On Sunday, I cried happy tears, tears of joy...tears that finally remembered everything I had been through to get me to where we are now...was specifically planned for that moment. The moment where Caragan praises God for all He's done for her. Really, that's what it's all about!

Another funny from Logan: Lance was asking Logan and Caragan about the types of cars they like for future reference when they start driving. Logan proclaimed that he will be driving Old Grey. Old Grey is a 1989 model Ford F150 that my brother drove when he was in High School. Rob was none too easy on the Old Grey Mare...as we call her. LOL. It's needs a paint job...and lots of dent and dings worked out. She's OLD. LOL. Lance said "Son, the girls ain't gonna want to ride with you in that". Logan said, "Dad, if they ride with me in that then I know they there for me"!! Hmmmm! He has a point there! LOLOLOLOL!! I think he may already have a few things figured out and be smarter than I am...most days. Gotta love that he already gets it...at 12. Plus, he is hilarious to boot.

The REAL Mommy

My kids always say the craziest things. It makes life really interesting. For example, when the Chihuahuas are shivering (which the breed is known for)...the kids say they are on VIBRATE. HA! too funny. Logan was given some hand-me-down clothes the other day and he said "Woohoo, I have NEW clothes...Certified, Preowned". LOL.

But then there's the times when what they say makes your heart melt into a thousand warmed up pieces. KateLin was asking Kadee about her pregnancy the other day. Kadee is KateLin's Aunt and she is expecting a little boy. We are all really excited. But as you can imagine there are questions with her being five now about her own birth. She wanted to know if she came from my tummy, like Kadee's baby is coming from her tummy. Kadee being KateLin namesake and meantor in adoption explained it perfectly to her, of course. She told her that she didn't come from my tummy, she was born in my heart. She went onto explain that she had a Birth Mommy in China that gave birth to her. KateLin said 'NO! Those were my Nannies', I came from my REAL Mommies tummy. She was refering to me of course. Nice to know I'm the REAL Mommy. LOL. Kadee explained it again and told her with adoption you come from a different Mommies tummy. KateLin was still adamant that I was her REAL Mommy. I was good with that, of course. :)) We will continue to help her understand, but it's calming to know she is attached and knows she belongs to me...cause I'm her REAL Mommy.

My first born, just turned twelve last week! Wow, seems like just yesterday we were bringing him home from the hospital...all 10lbs. 2 ozs. and 24 ins. long. I know, Logan was basically a toddler from day one. He still is growing faster than I can keep him in clothes. His foot is bigger than his Dad's. He is starting to get interested in girls. OMG!!! Help me, please. Should he not still be in diapers. What in the world.?? I think I blinked and missed 12 years. We are so proud of him. He is an avid reader and loves interesting facts about almost anything. He memorizes the facts for Fun! He gets called little Lance by his teachers that knew his Dad growing up. He really is so much like his Dad. I think he gets his funny side from me...but the rest is clearly...JUST LIKE LANCE!! HA!

The REAL Mommy to Four. ;))

Nightmares

I have always been the eternal optimistic, trying to find sliver linings in the worst of situations. I guess, I try my best to be HOPEFUL and not Hopeless. With that said, I chose to look at the positive side of several nightmares that Caragan has had over the last few months.

We bought puppies for the kids back in July and all of them were smitten with them from day one. I surprised them with two Chihuahuas. They are cute and love to be held and played with...the perfect indoor pet for four kids. They named them Percy and Jackson (yes, after the movie...the Last Olympians...LOL). Caragan had really, really wanted one of my Dad's Dog's back in the winter, but I have always been adamant about not having a house dog. Anyone that knows me, knows that well. I used to be a neat freak...prior to four kids. HA! Not anymore!! It is impossible...and I know this well. But still, I was reluctant because I already have to clean up after 5 other people. Caragan would love and play with Tracker (my Dad's dog) every single time we would go to their house. She kept telling me she had had a small dog when she lived in China with her Birth Father. She is terrified of big dogs, because she had been bitten when she was little. Caragan chose the white puppy when she and KateLin went with me to pick them up. From that moment on...she has been completely smitten with 'her baby', as she calls it. I have heard about and seen how animals can be therapy for a weary soul. Jackson has definitely been that for Caragan. She knows I caved on what I would normally do for her...and the other kids. They all wanted little puppies.

About a month after we got the puppies, Caragan had a bad dream and woke up wanting to cry. She wouldn't talk about it much at first, but eventually we kept probing until we got the details out of her. She dreamed that we sent her back to China to live in the orphanage, but we let her take both puppies with her. Wait...it gets more heartwrenching....she got readopted, but the family wouldn't let her take the puppies with her. She really loves her puppies, especially Jackson, so she was really upset when she woke up. Of course, we explained to her that she will never be sent back to China and that the puppies are her's and she won't lose them either...not that way.

A couple of night's ago, Caragan had another nightmare...this time she woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. She dreamed that she did something really bad, and she was sent to jail. In her dream, the authorities sent her back to China and we (me & Lance) couldn't stop them. I went into her room that morning and asked her if she slept good, as I often do. I could tell she was already awake. She was crying and said NO, she had a really bad dream. It shook her enough that she wouldn't talk about it for a few hours afterwards. All she kept saying was, it was CRAZY. Once we knew the dream, we completely agreed. Caragan reached for me though and I held her for a while. I don't get that often, with her...!

Considering these were nightmares, that is a really good thing (my silver lining version here). She likes it here, loves her family and even her puppies and does NOT want to go back to China. Obviously she is attached to all the changes that have come about in her life over the past 9 months. She loves her new family and doesn't want to lose that ever, clearly. Attachment in older children that are adopted is much harder than attachment in a toddler, because you don't get the one on one interaction with them through their daily needs. You don't get to constantly be the caregiver in meeting their needs like with feeding time and diapering, etc...that helps with bonding and thus attachment. We bond over trips to the waterpark, and music and even long chats (now that she knows more English). We talk to all of our kids alot, alot! She is no different. We tend to explain ourselves thouroughly when we discipline and she knows exactly why she gets punished should she ever need to be. She is a great kid, but she learned about restriction early on. :)) Caragan was helping her Daddy in the kitchen the other night and told him, she never knew why she got spankings as a small child. She knew she was being punished, severely I might add, but had no idea why really. She brought up that we talk to her, and that she likes that communication.

I do love my CRAZY, fun...loving girl! She is a priceless treasure and my life would not be complete without her, just like with all four of my kids. I'm so blessed to be a Mommy times 4!! My cup runneth over! :))))

P.S. Caragan and KateLin both like watermelon in their chocolate ice cream. CRAZY, HUH?? lol.

Life with Four Kiddos

For some reason I can't get used to blogging again. It's not as fun as it used to be for me. There's so much that we are dealing with that I can't talk about in an open forum. I feel the need to stay away from blogging. That too is also hard because it helps me to get things down on print, it's an outlet for me. I am not great at writing but I really enjoy it. Also, before, I was recording our day to day journey so my girls would know in their adoption blogs that we really loved them from the moment we decided to adopt them. This blog is purely for me and whomever is interested in learning about our journey. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it was more important to record my thoughts and our day to day journey when it was for them specifically.

In the past couple of weeks, we have found out some new details about KateLin's orphanage and I wanted to work through them on this blog. I can't tell you in the months and months of waiting for her how my heart grieved that she was in China and I couldn't provide for her as her Mom. I was really close to depression, it hurt and burdened my heart so badly. I would look at her pictures and see this withdrawn child, never a smile on her little face. She was shy, introverted and looked like she had had little to no stimulation. A orphanage sister came home to her family in the last few months. We call the girls and boys who resided in the orphanage with KateLin her sister's and brother's. We have been in contact and share pictures with several of her orphanage sisters, through emails and facebook. We want them to stay in touch over the years because we think roots are important and that they share similar beginnings. LilyRose, Faith, Georgia and KateLin all were from Yangzhou, Jiangsu, China. We have photos of them together in the orphanage. This other little girl I mentioned above has come home more recently and is older. She is having a really hard time with attachment and bonding. KateLin's journey of attachment was difficult, but she couldn't really verbalize all she had to endure prior to being adopted. This little girl calls the crib the 'black cage'. Now, nothing about that is EASY for me to take. A cage for a human is not a nice place to have to be placed ever. I had noticed in the pictures of KateLin that she was tied to the crib. I guess in my mind I assumed it was so she wouldn't try to get out. Now, I can't say that I'm so sure about that assumption. KateLin would not smile for us freely for a few days after we got her. She would try her best not to smile. I got smiles on the second day with tickles and some serious coaxing. If you know her now, you know she offers smiles for nearly anyone she comes in contact with. With lots of love, good food and consistency she has genuinely flourished into a really adapted little girl. We are experiencing some whininess, that I fully believe is more of an adoption behavior than not. She whines excessively for what she wants, feels slighted if anyone gets something she doesn't...even when she clearly got the better of the things being offered. We talk to her alot about her whininess and she gets reprimanded accordingly. I have to wonder if all this isn't because of the needs not met during those first two years of life. I can't help but think so now that this other little girl has labeled the crib as such. Clearly, KateLin was not stimulated, she was not shown love consistently and she her needs could not have been met like they should have been. Just as we will never fully know the details of her early life, we will never know how much of this is adoption related and how much is just her little personality. The 'black crib' label terrorizes me to no end. I will also wonder if my heart was so very burdened in those days because she was in such turmoil. A Mother's heart is just connected to her babies even across 7000 miles of distance.

It still burdens my heart that any child is still there maybe even enduring those same circumstances. I have visited that orphanage and my life will never be the same because of that visit. I will advocate for all those children that don't have voices for the rest of my life. I can't save them all but I can make a difference to my two and maybe a handfull more. I am thankful for that visit because if we had not gone back with KateLin, Georgia would have never been able to follow Lance around and we would have never decided to adopt again from China. We would not have our Caragan.

Caragan continues to learn English and is doing great. She is able to share more about her past with us and it was not all sunshine and roses...but since she's older and more sensitive to what's going on around her, I will not share those details here. I will say that she appreciates her life here with us. She likes to wash clothes since she doesn't have to do it manually and with cold water even in the winter. She really likes doing laundry, with a washing machine and dryer, it's not her chore, per say, but she will volunteer to help. One thing that really made me think that she mentioned the other day was she didn't understand why we wanted to adopt an older child and didn't want a baby. Of course we went into this long drawn out discussion with her about our choices and how with the boys and KateLin we had experienced the baby phases and really were not interested in doing that again. We also told her about Georgia and how she followed her Daddy around at the orphanage that day that we visited. We explained how we were drawn to her in particular because our agency had named her Hope. She started to understand the whole picture and I think she came away knowing we wanted her just as much as the other three kids. With each of my kids, I tell them we loved them so much that we felt we had enough love to share with another.

I can't imagine life without any one of them. I think they all thrive because of the other children. I don't think they go lacking because of the number of kids in our family. Logan and Christian love their sisters and Caragan and KateLin love their brothers. As I type this KateLin is chasing Christian in circles around the house, and Logan and Caragan are starting supper. Caragan loves to cook, she is teaching her brother. Not everyone would choose a life with four kiddos, and I can appreciate that, but for us...it's just one adventure after another. I wouldn't change my crazy life for anything. It's not always easy, but so very worth it.

Happy 4th Y'all!

Ready for a weekend away with the family! We will retreat to the coast for a weekend of fun and festivities, celebrating the 4th of July and my baby girl's 5th birthday. That's right, KateLin turns 5 next week. All my kids, collectively growing up too fast, makes me a lil sad...but for some reason, KateLin getting to 5 is a sudden relief. When you have four, you are allowed to be fickle, just saying! LOL. Looking forward to her moving into more independence. Lately we banter back and forth...she is a lil pistol. HA! She is really smart..! I'll ask her, KateLin...'what are you waiting on', as she pokes along at her own pace. She always says, 'a sister and brother from China'. Silly me! Trying to reason with a 4. 95 year old. She knows I hate to wait...and knows that the longest, trying wait for me was waiting on her and her sister....essentially waiting on China. With that said....NO! NO! NO! we are NOT headed back to China again for two more. She pulls on my heartstrings admittedly with her response...and I've even heard it a dozen or more times...everytime, she gets me! I have my plate really full with FOUR! No doubt, we are done! Plus, I am finally working my way back to getting everyone taking their own baths. HA! She just fits as the baby, cause she is super Spoiled ROTTEN! Caragan is adamant about not wanting anymore siblings. Ha! Yep, she has a vote too! I agree with her, so the baby factory is closed on all counts at our house.

Thinking about taking the kids to a waterpark next week, while at the beach. This will be Caragan's and KateLin's first Waterpark experience. Can't wait to see how they like it! Caragan was really astounded by the size of the colliseum last weekend at Forward Conference. She was amazed to see that many people in one arena. The concerts where booming, she really enjoyed herself.

Logan, Christian and KateLin sang with CandY Worship last Sunday at church. Christian had a part that he sang with another little girl. He made his Moma so proud. KateLin was singing out so loud and I could feel myself tearing up. I still stand amazed at how far she has come. My little introvert in China has blossomed and become Lil Miss Socialite, for sure. Love, affection, good food and just therapy for the neglected soul can do wonders for a person...and it certainly has her's. Logan did great too...but he knows he's aging out of Kiddie Choir and will be in the Bomb Squad come Fall.

I love all four of my kids, more than life itself! I don't know how I got so blessed X4....but I'm not complaining in the least. Life is chaotic, I get aggravated, but I wouldn't trade the chaos for quiet for a million bucks. Being a Mom is the greatest job in the world!

Happy 4th everyone! Be SAFE and HAVE FUN!!! :))

Moving FORWARD

I'm getting the opportunity to attend the Forward** Conference this weekend with Caragan. It will be a cool opportunity for she and I to bond a little with the rest of the crazy teenagers. I get to act...not quiet so much my age. LOL. WoooHOOO! I get to have an excuse to act CraZy. Not that that really changes from day to day for me...I am pretty unhinged sometimes. HA!

Lance and I have been to the Conference before, but this time will be different in that Caragan has never been and I'm leaving Lance at home. Caragan understands enough English that I think she will enjoy the speakers and I know she'll love the music. She does love some MuSic like her Moma. Top of the line up will be Third Day. Love them....not as much as some Toby Mac, but still they get honorable mention...they did that Merry Christmas song a few years back for a daughter waiting in China. So of course, I think they are awesome! :)) We will have some awesome Praise and Worship time and loads of Fun as they keep it all really upbeat for the teens. I know I'll be jumping and dancing so much that I'll be sore by Sunday. Who Cares....bring it on! I love this stuff. :))

On the homefront....my kids are growing by leaps and bounds....I need some bricks. Seriously, glad it's short pant weather, cause otherwise Logan would need new pants. The kid is like 5 ft 3 already. Man...he's not even 12 yet. I can tell his face is getting longer and puberty is right around the corner. UM>...NO! He is my baby, where has time gone?? O, well. I guess they all have to grow up, but a Moma aint gotta be thrilled about it. ;)

I've said I'm gonna blog more...so here's the thoughts for today.....Moving Forward!

Growing & Sharing

Through our adoption processes I use to blog alot. I got out of the habit and I can tell it in my everyday outlook. I tend to post only positive things here, but truthful things. It forced me to figure out the good in every bad situation. Lately, life has me bogged down in not looking so hard for the silver lining in the bad stuff. This lead me here...to blog. It's a type of therapy for me. Getting my thoughts down on the page, whether anyone reads them or not. It helps me. I think that sometimes other's find solace in knowing your life isn't perfect, that you experience good and bad days, just like the next person. To me...true success is weathering a storm, finding the silver lining in the greyest of clouds in said storm, and coming through the experience changed but not reduced by it. If you can learn from bad things, and grow as an individual then maybe you've learned exactly what God was trying to teach you. He is always molding our character and shaping us into the people He wants us to become.

The most inspirational stories are of people who have shared where they've been and how far they've come during their storm's of life. The little girl that had cancer that instead of asking for a wish from the Make A Wish** Foundation, she asked for everyone else's wish to come true. The Dad that tells about his child's fight from Cancer and the battle that's ongoing....to the other Dad that his child has just been diagnosed. The stories provide strength to others, encouraging them to keep moving through, because there's hope, always hope. I used to be a person that would share, somewhere in the craziness of life, I lost that part of me. The passion subsided in sharing my story of adoption. I still post blurbs regularly about adoption...but nothing is more powerful than my story. I have to figure out how to rekindle that passion for life, for other's. You never know who might be reading this and who might be inspired to share their story.

For All I Can't Do

We often focus on the negative stuff in life and quickly forget about all the positive. We set out on a journey, over three years ago. After many different twists and turns, here we are...in the midst of the blessing. There's so much I can't control for my girls and boys. I can't shelter them from all the hurt and disappointment in this world. I can't fix every little thing in their lives and always make it all better. I can help them learn to focus on the blessing in every bad situation. Lately, I had lost that ability for myself. I was on the downward spiral of thinking...I can't fix this, I can't make this all better. The truth is that I wasn't called to do that for any of them. I was called to love them through the pain and heartache and even disappointment of life. Suddenly the helplessness of all I can't do...is put in it's place and changed to...but I can handle loving them consistently everyday, no matter what.

I can find the blessing in a statement from Caragan 'I like it here'. She said that the other day. Her English continues to grow rapidly. She was sitting on a porch in a rocking chair. We had just enjoyed a family meal together and we did alot of laughing...joking with one another. She had spoken to some of her old friends in China earlier in the week...and I think she was reminded about where she has been and how far she has come. I thought she meant she liked the porch...turns out she meant she liked her new life here with us. WoW! I so needed to hear that. It doesn't matter that I can't fix it all. What matters is that she is right were she wants to be. The other details will work themselves out....one day at a time.

Caragan continues to interact more with her friends here...on FB and even when we go to events around town. She is plugged into our life together here...and that makes her Mommy really happy. She is about half way through her Rosetta Stone program for English and we have set a goal for her to have completed it by Summer's end. One of her friends comes home from China with her Forever Family in the next few months. Hopefully, she will get to see her by the end of the year...that makes her really excited. These girls need this bond to continue for a lifetime. She has told her friend that she really likes it here with her family, hoping that she will feel more at ease about coming to America.

Summertime is bringing so many firsts for Caragan...putt-putt (she got a hole in one!), concerts, many beach trips with time in the Ocean, Pool, etc. She loves the beach just like the rest of her family. We have to teach her to swim. We hope to go to an Amusement Park and a Water Park and experience lots of other things with her this summer.

KateLin continues to thrive, although she is going through a phase that can be difficult at times, she just plays her options. LOL. She just got through with her very first dance/tumbling recital. She was exquisite. I teared up thinking about her Gotcha Day and how with withdrawn she was from life. Now she's this little socialite that loves going and doing whatever she possibly can. The more attention and craziness the better for her. She likes dancing and loved being in tumbling. You could tell that she loved what she was doing.

Logan got about 5 awards at awards day at school the other day. He is now a rising 6th grader, which means he changes to the Middle School next year. He has grown so much this year, about 4 inches...WOW! He is as tall as his Nana. :)) I am watching him become a young man, instead of a little boy. He continues to show his wit and humor. I say he gets the intelligence from his Dad, but the humor from me. LOL.

Christian is growing and changing so much too. He really loves his sisters! He is always full of energy, but lately I can tell he channels it more into what he likes and wants to do. He will eat us out of house and home but stays skinny as a rail. Wish I had that metabolism. Ha! He's grown about 2 inches this year too. He did so good in school, I was so proud of him. He's a rising 3rd grader next year.

All my kids made A's and B's on their report cards. They all had straight A averages for the year. How cool is that!!! Makes a Mommy so very Proud. :))

So I guess....for all I can't do for my kids...they prove to me daily that I don't have to do it all. Some things just take care of themselves. I need to focus on all I have done and can do for them instead of what I can't control.

The Father Says "I DO"

This weekend we'll celebrate the start of Kadee and Jason's lives together as one. Kadee is Lance's little sister. We are all really close and we also have the joy of living beside her. Kadee's life started much like my daughter's. They will always have a special bond because of the Miracle of Adoption. This weekend, we'll officially adopt another member into our family....Jason. He crawled into our lives when we weren't looking and has been finding a place in our hearts every since. We love him like a brother, uncle and close friend already. We are not losing Kadee, we are gaining Jason. We feel really excited about celebrating with them this weekend as they exchange vows and join together in holy matrimony.

I guess this time makes me reflect on relationships and how it was in the beginning of my own marriage. Time changes things, in good and bad ways. Lance and I have grown up together. We've grown a family increasing in numbers by 4. Each addition has brought new joys and new normals...and even hardships. Each time we chose to love one another and even the child through it all. LOVING IS A CHOICE. I have learned this and that LOVE WILL HEAL WHAT YOU NEVER IMAGINED COULD BE HEALED. I think the most successful relationships balance one another, by providing what the other needs to feel loved. If you can figure out what your mate needs to feel loved and provide that for them, even if a little work is involved, I think you can make a relationship work. And if all else fails, start back at the beginning and remember why you fell in love with one another. I know all relationships don't work, and some must end. My advice there, having never been through that before, mind you...would be that you need to forgive yourself before you can forgive others. Every single divorce happened because not one but two people couldn't make it work. You are the only person you can control. You are a work in progress. The "sin" isn't in the failure of the relationship, it lies in not learning and growing because of the failure.

We hope that Kadee and Jason will live long and happy lives together. We need another baby on the hill...all mine are grown it seems.

Introductions....

Let me introduce ourselves...we are the Wallace's: Hope (that's me), Lance, Logan, Christian, KateLin and Caragan. We believe that love is the most important thing that you can show others. We believe in giving and that receiving the blessing for giving to other's is far more than any gift you could receive yourself. We share a genuine compassion for those around us.

This blog will be a place for me to journal our fun times, our accomplishments and our failures. We are unique in that we are both American and Chinese...in so many ways. We like celebrating that uniqueness and hope that you will celebrate that with us. Being a multiracial and multicultural family can have challenges but it can also be an amazing asset for us all. We get alot of stares and sometimes even rude questions. What you need to realize is that we believe that adoption is nothing short of a Miracle. We believe family has very little to do with the blood line and much more to do the heart line. Our boys look nothing alike, but were biologically born of my womb. My girls look alike and they were born of my heart. Go figure! Each ...is very much a child of my own!! We love them all unconditionally. Children sometimes come by plane and sometimes by hospital and each 'pregnancy' had it's uniques set of 'labor pains'. If you shared in our adoption journeys, you know my heartaches and pains during those wait times.

I love to write, even though I'm not great at it. I enjoy journaling/blogging as an outlet for myself. It's like a therapy to my soul. Getting my thoughts and feelings out on paper rather than in the day to day blow ups that can occur. They'll be tears and they'll be joys. Each really bless our lives in many different ways. We hope you'll follow along and realize that your own trials and tribulations will help you grow.

Getting Started

I'm joining the masses of folks that have a family blog. I'm learning how to make it pretty and enjoying blogging so much. I thought I'd move from our adoption blog to a Party of Six blog. It will focus on our family, the joys of raising two boys and two girls. We are a multicultural/multiracial family that has been blessed beyond measure. God is GOOD, All the Time!!