Life takes many twists and turns. Sometimes when you start out on a journey you have to wonder what in the world God is up to. Why would he send me to China twice, have me adopt the second time out of birth order, older child adoption...and stretch my heart, mind and soul beyond what I could ever fathom? I think if we could get a glimpse of how the ending or middle sometimes would turn out, it would help us deal with the questions from the beginning. Clearly, I never dreamed I'd have four kids, let alone two would be from China. Now that I'm here, I know that it was God's perfect plan for me to be a Mother four times. I'm glad I was obedient to his calling regardless of how hard it has been to get me to this place. Wow!! Those words have not been easy to come by!!
You worry and stress and love and bond and just keep keeping on...and then in a single moment...your have an epiphany. The light bulb goes on and you realize that God chose her for this specific purpose. He chose her for our family. There she was in Praise and Worship yesterday with her hands held high...without being prompted...by her own choice. I had the opportunity to explain to her why I believed in God this past week. Her Aunt Carrie was planning on taking her to Judgement House and I wanted her to hear the details about salvation from me, in terms I knew she would understand, as we are still only 10 months into her learning English. Her birth parents were Atheists, by her own admission. I stressed to her that she would attend church while she lived with us, but we would never force her to believe in God, it was her choice and between her and God. I was adamant about that. Judgement House made an impact on her and I'm thankful that Carrie wanted to take her for a girl's nite out so they could go together. With her hands raised in worship and as she was singing her heart out...I began to cry like a baby watching my baby girl...love God. I'm thankful for all the hard moments that lead us to her, and I'm soo glad that I didn't miss out on this very special young lady in my life. My life has been changed forever because I've had the opportunity to love her. Really, the miracle of adoption isn't always easy, but it is soooo worth it. I'm also thankful that I get the opportunity to see God's Sovereignty...because His plan is unfolding before my eyes.
We joke with KateLin about hiding from us in China. We ask her why she hide so far from us...and made us search and come soo far to get her? She knows we are joking and she is always has a smile on her face...as we tell her, she could have been on the moon and we'd have still came after her. Still I marvel at, she was designed for this specific purpose and God, with all his sovereignty, planned it specifically for us. He knew the power of two adoptions would become four and four would become six. On Sunday, I cried happy tears, tears of joy...tears that finally remembered everything I had been through to get me to where we are now...was specifically planned for that moment. The moment where Caragan praises God for all He's done for her. Really, that's what it's all about!
Another funny from Logan: Lance was asking Logan and Caragan about the types of cars they like for future reference when they start driving. Logan proclaimed that he will be driving Old Grey. Old Grey is a 1989 model Ford F150 that my brother drove when he was in High School. Rob was none too easy on the Old Grey Mare...as we call her. LOL. It's needs a paint job...and lots of dent and dings worked out. She's OLD. LOL. Lance said "Son, the girls ain't gonna want to ride with you in that". Logan said, "Dad, if they ride with me in that then I know they there for me"!! Hmmmm! He has a point there! LOLOLOLOL!! I think he may already have a few things figured out and be smarter than I am...most days. Gotta love that he already gets it...at 12. Plus, he is hilarious to boot.
10.25.2010
10.20.2010
The REAL Mommy
My kids always say the craziest things. It makes life really interesting. For example, when the Chihuahuas are shivering (which the breed is known for)...the kids say they are on VIBRATE. HA! too funny. Logan was given some hand-me-down clothes the other day and he said "Woohoo, I have NEW clothes...Certified, Preowned". LOL.
But then there's the times when what they say makes your heart melt into a thousand warmed up pieces. KateLin was asking Kadee about her pregnancy the other day. Kadee is KateLin's Aunt and she is expecting a little boy. We are all really excited. But as you can imagine there are questions with her being five now about her own birth. She wanted to know if she came from my tummy, like Kadee's baby is coming from her tummy. Kadee being KateLin namesake and meantor in adoption explained it perfectly to her, of course. She told her that she didn't come from my tummy, she was born in my heart. She went onto explain that she had a Birth Mommy in China that gave birth to her. KateLin said 'NO! Those were my Nannies', I came from my REAL Mommies tummy. She was refering to me of course. Nice to know I'm the REAL Mommy. LOL. Kadee explained it again and told her with adoption you come from a different Mommies tummy. KateLin was still adamant that I was her REAL Mommy. I was good with that, of course. :)) We will continue to help her understand, but it's calming to know she is attached and knows she belongs to me...cause I'm her REAL Mommy.
My first born, just turned twelve last week! Wow, seems like just yesterday we were bringing him home from the hospital...all 10lbs. 2 ozs. and 24 ins. long. I know, Logan was basically a toddler from day one. He still is growing faster than I can keep him in clothes. His foot is bigger than his Dad's. He is starting to get interested in girls. OMG!!! Help me, please. Should he not still be in diapers. What in the world.?? I think I blinked and missed 12 years. We are so proud of him. He is an avid reader and loves interesting facts about almost anything. He memorizes the facts for Fun! He gets called little Lance by his teachers that knew his Dad growing up. He really is so much like his Dad. I think he gets his funny side from me...but the rest is clearly...JUST LIKE LANCE!! HA!
The REAL Mommy to Four. ;))
But then there's the times when what they say makes your heart melt into a thousand warmed up pieces. KateLin was asking Kadee about her pregnancy the other day. Kadee is KateLin's Aunt and she is expecting a little boy. We are all really excited. But as you can imagine there are questions with her being five now about her own birth. She wanted to know if she came from my tummy, like Kadee's baby is coming from her tummy. Kadee being KateLin namesake and meantor in adoption explained it perfectly to her, of course. She told her that she didn't come from my tummy, she was born in my heart. She went onto explain that she had a Birth Mommy in China that gave birth to her. KateLin said 'NO! Those were my Nannies', I came from my REAL Mommies tummy. She was refering to me of course. Nice to know I'm the REAL Mommy. LOL. Kadee explained it again and told her with adoption you come from a different Mommies tummy. KateLin was still adamant that I was her REAL Mommy. I was good with that, of course. :)) We will continue to help her understand, but it's calming to know she is attached and knows she belongs to me...cause I'm her REAL Mommy.
My first born, just turned twelve last week! Wow, seems like just yesterday we were bringing him home from the hospital...all 10lbs. 2 ozs. and 24 ins. long. I know, Logan was basically a toddler from day one. He still is growing faster than I can keep him in clothes. His foot is bigger than his Dad's. He is starting to get interested in girls. OMG!!! Help me, please. Should he not still be in diapers. What in the world.?? I think I blinked and missed 12 years. We are so proud of him. He is an avid reader and loves interesting facts about almost anything. He memorizes the facts for Fun! He gets called little Lance by his teachers that knew his Dad growing up. He really is so much like his Dad. I think he gets his funny side from me...but the rest is clearly...JUST LIKE LANCE!! HA!
The REAL Mommy to Four. ;))
9.19.2010
Nightmares
I have always been the eternal optimistic, trying to find sliver linings in the worst of situations. I guess, I try my best to be HOPEFUL and not Hopeless. With that said, I chose to look at the positive side of several nightmares that Caragan has had over the last few months.
We bought puppies for the kids back in July and all of them were smitten with them from day one. I surprised them with two Chihuahuas. They are cute and love to be held and played with...the perfect indoor pet for four kids. They named them Percy and Jackson (yes, after the movie...the Last Olympians...LOL). Caragan had really, really wanted one of my Dad's Dog's back in the winter, but I have always been adamant about not having a house dog. Anyone that knows me, knows that well. I used to be a neat freak...prior to four kids. HA! Not anymore!! It is impossible...and I know this well. But still, I was reluctant because I already have to clean up after 5 other people. Caragan would love and play with Tracker (my Dad's dog) every single time we would go to their house. She kept telling me she had had a small dog when she lived in China with her Birth Father. She is terrified of big dogs, because she had been bitten when she was little. Caragan chose the white puppy when she and KateLin went with me to pick them up. From that moment on...she has been completely smitten with 'her baby', as she calls it. I have heard about and seen how animals can be therapy for a weary soul. Jackson has definitely been that for Caragan. She knows I caved on what I would normally do for her...and the other kids. They all wanted little puppies.
About a month after we got the puppies, Caragan had a bad dream and woke up wanting to cry. She wouldn't talk about it much at first, but eventually we kept probing until we got the details out of her. She dreamed that we sent her back to China to live in the orphanage, but we let her take both puppies with her. Wait...it gets more heartwrenching....she got readopted, but the family wouldn't let her take the puppies with her. She really loves her puppies, especially Jackson, so she was really upset when she woke up. Of course, we explained to her that she will never be sent back to China and that the puppies are her's and she won't lose them either...not that way.
A couple of night's ago, Caragan had another nightmare...this time she woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. She dreamed that she did something really bad, and she was sent to jail. In her dream, the authorities sent her back to China and we (me & Lance) couldn't stop them. I went into her room that morning and asked her if she slept good, as I often do. I could tell she was already awake. She was crying and said NO, she had a really bad dream. It shook her enough that she wouldn't talk about it for a few hours afterwards. All she kept saying was, it was CRAZY. Once we knew the dream, we completely agreed. Caragan reached for me though and I held her for a while. I don't get that often, with her...!
Considering these were nightmares, that is a really good thing (my silver lining version here). She likes it here, loves her family and even her puppies and does NOT want to go back to China. Obviously she is attached to all the changes that have come about in her life over the past 9 months. She loves her new family and doesn't want to lose that ever, clearly. Attachment in older children that are adopted is much harder than attachment in a toddler, because you don't get the one on one interaction with them through their daily needs. You don't get to constantly be the caregiver in meeting their needs like with feeding time and diapering, etc...that helps with bonding and thus attachment. We bond over trips to the waterpark, and music and even long chats (now that she knows more English). We talk to all of our kids alot, alot! She is no different. We tend to explain ourselves thouroughly when we discipline and she knows exactly why she gets punished should she ever need to be. She is a great kid, but she learned about restriction early on. :)) Caragan was helping her Daddy in the kitchen the other night and told him, she never knew why she got spankings as a small child. She knew she was being punished, severely I might add, but had no idea why really. She brought up that we talk to her, and that she likes that communication.
I do love my CRAZY, fun...loving girl! She is a priceless treasure and my life would not be complete without her, just like with all four of my kids. I'm so blessed to be a Mommy times 4!! My cup runneth over! :))))
P.S. Caragan and KateLin both like watermelon in their chocolate ice cream. CRAZY, HUH?? lol.
We bought puppies for the kids back in July and all of them were smitten with them from day one. I surprised them with two Chihuahuas. They are cute and love to be held and played with...the perfect indoor pet for four kids. They named them Percy and Jackson (yes, after the movie...the Last Olympians...LOL). Caragan had really, really wanted one of my Dad's Dog's back in the winter, but I have always been adamant about not having a house dog. Anyone that knows me, knows that well. I used to be a neat freak...prior to four kids. HA! Not anymore!! It is impossible...and I know this well. But still, I was reluctant because I already have to clean up after 5 other people. Caragan would love and play with Tracker (my Dad's dog) every single time we would go to their house. She kept telling me she had had a small dog when she lived in China with her Birth Father. She is terrified of big dogs, because she had been bitten when she was little. Caragan chose the white puppy when she and KateLin went with me to pick them up. From that moment on...she has been completely smitten with 'her baby', as she calls it. I have heard about and seen how animals can be therapy for a weary soul. Jackson has definitely been that for Caragan. She knows I caved on what I would normally do for her...and the other kids. They all wanted little puppies.
About a month after we got the puppies, Caragan had a bad dream and woke up wanting to cry. She wouldn't talk about it much at first, but eventually we kept probing until we got the details out of her. She dreamed that we sent her back to China to live in the orphanage, but we let her take both puppies with her. Wait...it gets more heartwrenching....she got readopted, but the family wouldn't let her take the puppies with her. She really loves her puppies, especially Jackson, so she was really upset when she woke up. Of course, we explained to her that she will never be sent back to China and that the puppies are her's and she won't lose them either...not that way.
A couple of night's ago, Caragan had another nightmare...this time she woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. She dreamed that she did something really bad, and she was sent to jail. In her dream, the authorities sent her back to China and we (me & Lance) couldn't stop them. I went into her room that morning and asked her if she slept good, as I often do. I could tell she was already awake. She was crying and said NO, she had a really bad dream. It shook her enough that she wouldn't talk about it for a few hours afterwards. All she kept saying was, it was CRAZY. Once we knew the dream, we completely agreed. Caragan reached for me though and I held her for a while. I don't get that often, with her...!
Considering these were nightmares, that is a really good thing (my silver lining version here). She likes it here, loves her family and even her puppies and does NOT want to go back to China. Obviously she is attached to all the changes that have come about in her life over the past 9 months. She loves her new family and doesn't want to lose that ever, clearly. Attachment in older children that are adopted is much harder than attachment in a toddler, because you don't get the one on one interaction with them through their daily needs. You don't get to constantly be the caregiver in meeting their needs like with feeding time and diapering, etc...that helps with bonding and thus attachment. We bond over trips to the waterpark, and music and even long chats (now that she knows more English). We talk to all of our kids alot, alot! She is no different. We tend to explain ourselves thouroughly when we discipline and she knows exactly why she gets punished should she ever need to be. She is a great kid, but she learned about restriction early on. :)) Caragan was helping her Daddy in the kitchen the other night and told him, she never knew why she got spankings as a small child. She knew she was being punished, severely I might add, but had no idea why really. She brought up that we talk to her, and that she likes that communication.
I do love my CRAZY, fun...loving girl! She is a priceless treasure and my life would not be complete without her, just like with all four of my kids. I'm so blessed to be a Mommy times 4!! My cup runneth over! :))))
P.S. Caragan and KateLin both like watermelon in their chocolate ice cream. CRAZY, HUH?? lol.
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